He's here! Baby B is here!

Hi all,

I have been a terrible blogger these last few months, but I wanted to update and say that our sweet boy arrived via c-section on July 20th (exactly a week before his due date) and was 9lbs 11oz of perfection!

I am so grateful to finally have my boy in my arms and there are no words to express how much I loved him, the second the held him over the curtain in the operating room. I went from being in pain, to crying emotionally about seeing his face in person.

It was quite the stressful birth because my water broke on Friday night and I was in labor for 30 hours before my c-section. During that time, I had 2 epidurals because the first one wasn't working, 2 IV's because one infiltrated and a lot of pain. Finding out that an epidural doesn't work as well for me as it might for other women was a fun tidbit, because even after the second epidural, I was still in so much pain. Along with being in pain, I was not making much progress and by the end of 30 hours, I think I was maybe dilated 4.5-5cm, which was just crazy to me. The midwife said that it was normal to progress slowly when your water breaks early and that as long as I was making progress, I could keep going, but 30 hours was my limit for sure. I guess it isn't like in the movies! Apparently water only breaks first in about 10% of women and I was one of those lucky 10%.

I also had some BP issues at the hospital where it kept fluctuating up and down, even after the baby was born, so they monitored me till I was discharged. The day I was discharged, I had a higher reading and then my left eye started seeing a grey haze, which went away not long after, but it still freaked me out. Then the day after I was discharged, my eye did it again and it was really starting to worry me....by Friday morning at 4am, my eye had done it again and had not recovered and I basically lost vision in my left eye. Had to drag all of us to the ER and then was referred to an eye doctor where I was told that blood managed to get into my eye just fine, but couldn't escape and caused blood vessels to break which is now blocking my vision, The doctor also said that it is something young people don't normally get, so I had blood work done to see if there was an underlying cause for this and then I go back to the eye doctor in two weeks. In the meantime, he says because I am young, it MIGHT go away on it's own (which I am praying hard for) and I am to stay calm until then because high blood pressure isn't good for it. Needless to say, I am stressed beyond my limits and staying calms is very difficult when you are recovering from surgery and can only see out of one eye. If ya'll have any spare good thoughts and prayers that this problem resolves, I would be eternally grateful.

Thankfully, holding my baby boy helps calm me and I am so lucky for J and baby B and Parker to help take care of me and help keep me calm.

Day he came home and met big bro 

Hanging out with mom

Newborn photoshoot

National Infertility Awareness Week

I know I have been a very bad blogger, I just haven't felt like I had anything significant to say! Since this week is National Infertility Awareness Week, I thought I would come back to blogging and do a little post about that as a change from pregnancy countdowns.

Obviously, I am that 1 in 8 people and I have many friends in that group as well...even if this is not a personal struggle for you, chances are, with statistics like that, there are more people in your life impacted by infertility than you think.

Even though I know I am so incredibly blessed to have my baby Seahorse growing and I am so excited to meet him in July, I cannot forget the pain and stress I went through to get to this point and the fear that infertility brings you, never leaves. The fear that this is all a dream and that something can still go wrong, plagues my mind every day. Infertility takes away a pleasant naiveté that couples who do not suffer from infertility, get to enjoy. I am excited about my baby Seahorse and I trust that everything will continue to go well, but I am not so naïve to think that things can't change in an instant.

Women who struggle through infertility and women who don't, need to unite to take the stigma of infertility out of society. It is not something that one should be ashamed of...it is a disease and the more this disease is talked about and the more information people receive about it, the more success we can have.

 **As one of the lucky ones who has seemingly come out on the other side of infertility, I have found myself feeling as if some of my friends who are still in the middle of their struggles, no longer consider me part of the "club", as if I magically know nothing about the struggle because I was lucky enough to have success. Just because you have success in that struggle (and I hope everyone I know finds their happy endings with their beautiful babies as well), you don't forget everything you went through and you are not magically cured of the infertility problems. If and when J and I are ready to start thinking about a sibling for baby Seahorse, we will have to go through the IVF journey again (perhaps multiple times again) and that is another thing that is in our minds when we think about how excited we are for baby Seahorse to arrive. Before we knew what we were dealing with and we had that "this shouldn't be too hard" mentality, we had dreams of a family with more than one child. I think having a sibling is important because you hopefully have a built in support system for your children when you can one day no longer be around. We would love for baby Seahorse to have a sibling in the future, but infertility has changed our dreams slightly and we have adjusted to think more realistically about our situation. Our dreams have changed, just as much as anyone still dealing with this struggle and we all need to realize this to be able to support each other through these difficult times.

I hope that everyone going through this struggle finds their happy ending of a family (and very soon) and I want all of my friends to know, that even though I am pregnant, I know what they are going through and I will always be here to talk and support them through their journeys. We all deserve to be mothers and one day, I believe we will be.

If you would like to know more about National Infertility Awareness Week, or infertility as a whole, please visit Resolve.org  There are links for more information and ways you can support someone going on this difficult journey. You can also use this "twibbon" in your Facebook profile to show your support for all the couples going through infertility (even if you are lucky enough to not be yourself): Support Infertility

I've been a bad blogger!

I have been soooo bad about blogging lately! I think mostly because I am too lazy to do the chalkboards! Chalk is a pain and the chalk markers stain and ruined the board anyway...I don't know how Starbucks manages to clean off their boards at the end of each day!

Anyway, we are officially half baked over here! 20 MORE weeks until I get to meet my boy!

Nothing too exciting has gone on since my last update...finding out he was a boy was as exciting as it gets around here!

Oh well, that's a lie....I got a few surprises at my door last week! A good friend of my mom's went on my registry and ended up buying my baby boy's crib and mattress for him! I am so grateful and excited, it feels special coming from someone that was close to my mom, since my mom isn't here to enjoy all this with. I know my mom would be very grateful for her friend's support as well...this woman and her family have been very supportive of me since I lost my mom and they feel like family to me.

  Another friend of mine sent my boy a whole stroller/carseat travel system! I am also super grateful for that! I am thankful for any bit of help and generosity my boy receives from friends and family and don't know what we would do if we didn't have that support! Baby gear is not cheap!
I can't build a crib on my own, but I was too excited to keep the travel system in it's box for the next few months! After a little manual labor (it seriously isn't that easy!), I managed to put the stroller together all by myself! Skills! Now I can't wait till I have my little boy to push around in it for walks! So excited!

We are having our anatomy scan later this week, so I hopefully get a new photo of my little stinker! Hopefully nothing new to update on him, other than he is still doing well!

I can feel him kicking and wiggling around in there and I think he may have a tad bit of an attitude! He apparently doesn't like it when I let my stomach growl (I suppose it must be loud for him in there!) because he goes crazy with the kicks and wiggles! I have also found out that he seems to  HATE the doppler...the moment I put it on my stomach to find him, the doppler gets a big old kick (loud noise in my ear!) and he squirms away so I can't catch his heart beat for very long. He kicks me the hardest if I have the doppler out!

I am hoping I will be more motivated to give updates in the future! My life is not very exciting outside of the pregnancy right now, I need to find some hobbies when I get my freedom back with a second car again!

It's a.......!!!!

Going to be partners in crime! Uh-Oh!

I had a 16 week ultrasound today to make sure my cervix wasn't shortening due to a past cervical biopsy and thankfully everything with that is looking good so far! Baby Seahorse was also kind enough to show us the goods and we found out we are officially having a baby BOY! It feels so surreal because I never thought I'd be a mom to a boy! We have so many girls in our family, so I just always pictured having a girl as well! We are happy and excited though, I just have to let go of the pink and the tutu's for now! LOL

 

Nurse typed "BOY" next to his little weenie. haha
 

During the ultrasound, obviously the cervix was the big thing to look at, so the ultrasound tech did that first for me so I could breathe, and then she started looking for his little tooshie to find his "bits". Little stinker was wiggling around, so other than us being able to get a good view of the boy parts, he didn't want to cooperate for a good picture for his mama! He stayed face down, so no good profile shots or anything, but I am glad we got such a great one during our NT and will hopefully get another one during the anatomy scan at 20 weeks!

Baby Boy face down...good view of his spine though!

I'm super excited about finally being able to really plan out how I want to decorate his nursery and look for cute boy things that will satisfy my mommy shopping desires like girly tutu's would have! We knew that the nursery would have an "Under the Sea" theme for Baby Seahorse, but now we know we can make it more masculine and pick out some cute things for our boy.

I was also 16 weeks on Sunday, so little baby boy Seahorse is the size of an avocado and according to the ultrasound tech, measuring 4 days ahead....I may have a chunker on my hands!

Still working on finding another chalkboard!

15 Weeks

Sunday marked 15 weeks for baby and I!

So far, second trimester hasn't changed much from the first. I still have my nausea and I am still having a lot of trouble with being able to drink enough fluids throughout the day. Some days are better than others, but I really hate the days when I just gag at the thought of drinking anything!

I also have noticed that I LOOK pregnant now...I am sure a lot is still bloat, but I don't look just fat... it is an obvious "hey, she's pregnant" look!  I'm okay, as long as my butt and everything else don't start expanding as well! Lol

We did our hospital tours last weekend, and we decided on which hospital to deliver at. Only complication is that I couldn't get an appointment with those doctors until later in the month, but I needed to have things done before that, so now I have an appointment with the doctors from the other hospital, even though I am not planning on staying with them! Kind of a pain in the butt, especially when we are still in between insurance policies and out of pocket is seriously expensive!

I will have a 16 week ultrasound this coming Tuesday, because the doctors want to keep an eye on my cervix due to a past cervical biopsy I had. They want to watch to make sure my cervix isn't shortening prematurely, which can cause a world of problems for the baby and I. I am praying that everything is going well, because they said if it is shortening, I will need to have a cervix cerclage (which is basically where they stitch your cervix closed under anesthesia and remove the stitch towards the end of your pregnancy). Just the idea of that scares the crap out of me, not only because I hate anesthesia and having your cervix stitched shut can't be pleasant by any standards, but because the shortening of my cervix can cause pre-term labor which is obviously REALLY dangerous at this stage in my pregnancy because Baby Seahorse can't survive without me right now!  STRESS STRESS STRESS!

Anyway...in other news, since it has been a while since my last ultrasound, I decided to try the Doppler that my sister gave me for Christmas. After a lot of stress of not being able to find anything besides my pulse, I finally found baby! Such a beautiful, beautiful sound! I am guilty of listening to the recording multiple times a day now!

Listen to Baby Seahorse's Heartbeat

Second Trimester!

I am 14 weeks and 2 days pregnant and officially made it to second trimester!

Since my last post, we have moved from New Jersey to South Carolina, so it has been bit busy! We are finally starting to settle in to our new apartment and it is amazing to have 3 bedrooms and 2 bathroom to spread out in and it's exciting to have a room designated for this baby Seahorse now!

I am behind on my chalkboards, so I will post those first:

At some point, I will attempt "bump" photos along with my chalkboards, but right now, the bump I have is mostly from bloat! I expect it won't be too long for that to change, though!

As we settle into South Carolina living, I have been trying to think of ways to meet people, since I don't know anyone down here and would like to make some friends. I have joined a local moms forum, so I am hoping they have a group activity planned soon, so I can meet some of the local ladies around here. I also bought a Groupon for some pre-natal yoga classes at a yoga studio down the street and the girl at the maternity boutique I checked out the other day, said that there are about 15-20 women that attend that studio's pre-natal yoga classes at each time, so I hope I can make friends there as well! I feel like I'm going to look desperate because I want to be able to socialize with other women at that same stage as me, but I can't just go up to every pregnant woman and ask her if she wants to be my friend!

We are also going to be touring the two hospital options on Sunday, to get a better idea of where I want to deliver, so maybe we will me a few couples during that! I should just get a t-shirt that says "Pregnant and in need of friends!".

As my procrastination from unpacking, I have been researching things for a registry, so I can get an idea of what we need and trying to keep all of that in a budget. I won't be having a baby shower since I don't know anyone here, so we won't even get those little things that you might normally get from friends and family. I have picked out the stroller/car seat system that I want and we have also picked out baby Seahorse's crib (nothing purchased yet!). While we were at Babies R Us this past weekend, looking at these things in person, I went through the clothing section and there was this little set of burp cloths that had seahorses on them! They were sooooo adorable, so J got them for me, to make sure we had them for the baby! I love them! Baby has things of it's own now and that's exciting!

Anyway, I think I have updated everything that I have missed in the last few weeks. I will try to be a little more on top of my chalkboards, especially since there should be a bump included in those, soon enough!

NT Scan and Official Announcement!

I had a few issues with our insurance, since it is changing with J's new employers, so I managed to get my NT scan bumped up to today, instead of Monday when it would have been more complicated!

The ultrasound tech squished my abdomen a lot, but I got to see my baby for quite a while! She said everything looks good (blood work still has to come in) and showed me the legs and arm and heart and brain...etc. Baby was dancing all over the place and even picked his/her nose! I did not know they did that LOL! It was still the cutest nose picker I've ever seen!

Today, since the NT went well and I got some new photos, I decided I would make my official Facebook announcement. I will be 12 weeks on Sunday, so I got a little brave and decided to announce a tad early, but I am just so excited after seeing my little human today!

11 weeks (A little late!)

So I was 11 weeks on Sunday, but packing up our apartment for moving, got in the way of my weekly board!

Need a new board since the chalk markers have stained this one!

Next week's post will probably be delayed as well, since we leave NJ on Monday and will be busy driving and moving in to our new place in Fort Mill, SC. I am hoping to have some good ultrasound photos to share by next week though, since my NT scan is scheduled for Monday and the seahorse should really look like a baby by then!

Hope everyone had a nice New Year's and it isn't too rough getting back to the every day grind. Moving is more stressful than I imagined, but I am hoping once we are settled there, things can go back to being a little more normal!

2014 is Coming

I hope everyone had wonderful holidays! I know they aren't over yet...we still have New Year's to get through! I thought I would share some of our Christmas photos with you all, since not much else has happened!

Mommy and Parker in our Christmas jammies!

Christmas is hard

My sister got me this awesome necklace for my seahorse!



Parker got me a little jewelry dish. it says, "if I didn't have you as a mom, I'd choose you as my friend"

Some pregnancy scrapbooking stuff

I know that Christmas isn't all about gifts, but other than my little miracle waving to me which was amazing, I also got some great gifts under the tree! My sister got me a fetal Doppler and we tested it out, even though I figured it would be too early, but I managed to find a little galloping heartbeat in there and that was pretty exciting! When I get further along and the baby is bigger, I'm sure it will be much easier to work!

Now that Christmas is out of the way, we are officially in stress mode for the next month or so! On top of our little miracle making an appearance in July 2014, we decided to tack on another big event for the beginning of the year! We have 3 weeks to move from New Jersey to Charlotte, North Carolina. J got a new job and we are excited to move somewhere new and even have more space, but the actual move will be extremely stressful, as we don't really have much help and J will still be finishing up his last two weeks at his present job. Packing up an entire apartment alone, with my pregnancy exhaustion is going to be really tough! I hope my baby lets me wake up next week, because if I continue how I have been feeling the last couple of days, we are in big trouble!

Anyway, if I don't post beforehand, I am wishing everyone a Happy New Year and I hope that all of my friends out there will get their beautiful miracles in 2014!

"Oh hey! He's moving!"

This is my 9th week of pregnancy and the nausea is full on real! I have hardly eaten anything and drinking fluids is still slow and a little at a time, but I got to see my gummy bear today and that makes everything better!

Baby is measuring right on time at 9 weeks, had a strong heartbeat and as the ultrasound nurse was doing the measurements, she goes "Oh hey! He's moving!". We look at the screen and there is my little seahorse, wiggling his/her little arms and legs, waving at us! It was seriously the cutest thing ever! It was the most perfect Christmas gift for this mama!

My other baby is all ready for Christmas!

Week 8

So, yesterday was the beginning of my eighth of pregnancy and obviously still in the beginning stages!

This past week has been much more eventful with symptoms though...the morning (not so morning) sickness has kicked in and I basically can't eat or drink many things. My body is hungry, but nothing sounds, smells or looks remotely appetizing and drinking makes me gag. I have tried water, flavored water, Kool-Aid, juice, Sunny D, ginger ale....with little success. Popsicles are the only things I want/can eat and at least they give me fluids.
I hope that my little seahorse wants to eat next week, so I can enjoy the yummy Christmas food we are supposed to have! Plus, baby is going to starve me if (s)he doesn't let me eat things!

Anyway, according to my pregnancy bump phone app, the little seahorse should be growing about a millimeter each day and even has fingers and toes forming and can move his/her arms and legs. (S)he should also be forming taste buds this week (so maybe (s)he will like food more after that! LOL)!

I have my first "regular pregnant lady" OB appointment this week, but I am disappointed that I wont get to see my little seahorse (probably for a while) because how will I know they are still in there growing like they should be!? It seems like cruel and unusual punishment to do that to a pregnant lady.

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Other than feeling blah because of my sweet baby seahorse, I haven't been up to a whole lot lately, though I am seriously enjoying our new king bed and think this was definitely a good investment before I start expanding! J wouldn't have fit with me, Parker and baby seahorse in the old bed!

Think he likes it???

We also had the first real snow of the season this past weekend and Parker was so happy about that! He gets so excited when he see's the snow and snorts it up his nose like a drug!

Baby Seahorse

Got to see baby seahorse again today! Heartbeat went up to 157 BPM, so I am super happy about that! And the baby was more than just a dot today, which was pretty exciting! His/her picture actually looks like a little seahorse right now, which I found amusing! The picture shows the baby upside down right now (silly baby), so the head is on the bottom and the little bit sticking out is a limb bud! My baby has limb buds! How cool is that!? (The dot off to the left side is the yolk sac, which the doctor says eventually goes away)

The doctor said that today will probably be my last day going to the fertility clinic (which makes me sad!), so I will be graduated to my OB like a regular pregnant lady now! I have my first OB appointment next Friday (December 20th), but I don't know if they do an ultrasound at that appointment and I am going to miss my weekly baby picture! I know being graduated is a good thing though, so I should feel comforted that the RE feels happy letting me go.

**Update** RE's office just called and said I am definitely being released from them (where's my cap and gown??) and that I can stop all my meds! This means NO MORE BUTT SHOTS!

7 Weeks Today!

 

Today is the beginning of my 7th week and even though that doesn't seem like much, it's a lot as far as baby's development and growth! This week, baby should be getting as big as a blueberry and his/her brain is becoming more developed and even beginning to have a more defined face!

A visible baby now!

As far as symptoms, nothing crazy yet, but definitely more nausea and I have moments of random and total exhaustion where I can't keep my eyes open! I am also having some "baby brain" memory issues (yes...I am blaming the seahorse for why I almost drove out of a one way entrance into a busy street yesterday!) and I think it is totally legit, because according to my pregnancy app, the blood from my brain is now being redirected towards the placenta for the baby! J doesn't believe me though and just thinks I am an airhead.

I have another ultrasound on Thursday, December 12th and I hope to see baby seahorse's heart beating even stronger! I think J is going to come to that appointment, since he was disappointed he missed the first one, especially since the doctor said the heartbeat will be easier to hear this week!

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Yesterday, we went and got our Christmas tree and I started putting up the lights around our windows. I LOVE Christmas lights and I would seriously have them up all year round if it wouldn't make me look like a crazy lady! We went in a different direction this year with our tree...We normally go to one of those cut your own tree farms and pick a nice big 7ft tree, but this year we went to a more local farm that had pre-cut trees and the tree that caught our eyes was only 5.5ft! It's super cute, but feels weird not to have a bigger tree, though this one was is much easier to decorate!

Parker and his tree

Baby's Got Beats!

Today I had my second ultrasound and was shaking at the prospect of not seeing my seahorse's heartbeat. I am 6 weeks 4 days today which is early, but I knew there was a possibility of at least seeing the little flicker.

When he put the ultrasound wand in, at first I was looking at the screen and didn't really see anything! My heart dropped thinking my baby was gone and I was going to get bad news....then he shifted the wand around a bit and there (s)he was! Baby seahorse has gotten bigger than last week (which is the goal obviously!) and then the doctor says "See that little tiny flicker??? That's the hearbeat!" It was sooooo tiny, but I saw it!

You can actually see the baby dot this week!

My baby's heart is pumping at 131 bpm and he even managed to catch it to be able to hear a few beats too! That amazing booming sound was the best thing I could ever hear! I wasn't even expecting to hear anything today, just see the flicker since it's early! Seeing the flicker alone and knowing that my baby is alive and moving, was so BEAUTIFUL and I feel so much better about everything! I know I am far from out of the woods, but I am glad that so far my seahorse is progressing as (s)he should.

**The heartbeat is difficult to hear in the video, but the bigger white dashes during the sound testing are the baby's beats! We heard it much better of course when I turned off the video camera, but the doc said it will be much easier to hear it next week! You can also kind of see my little seahorse flickering on the screen at the beginning!

Week 6

So today marks the beginning of my 6th week of pregnancy

This week, my little seahorse should be the size of a pea and his/her heart should be starting to pump blood! He/she also starts to take a less "blobby" form.
I have my second ultrasound on Thursday, December 5th and I am just praying every day that the seahorse has grown since last week and that there will be a little flutter of a heartbeat!

As far as symptoms go, the biggest one I have had so far is not having an appetite at all... I take two bites of food and I feel full and turned off of it! I have had a few other tummy issues on and off, but I am not convinced those are from my seahorse and not just vacation food.

An idea of what seahorse is doing...Kinda looks like a seahorse! Lol

Dear Baby Seahorse,

Mama wants to see/hear a nice strong heartbeat this week, so if you could do that for me, I would be very happy! I am excited to see you again, so make sure you aren't shy and show the doctor that you are a strong little bean!

Love, Mommy! 

Hey! There's someone in there!

Sunday marked the beginning of my 5th week of pregnancy, so I decided to start my chalkboards to commemorate every little size milestone my baby seahorse gets to each week!

Today, I had my first ultrasound and I was super nervous thinking about nothing being in there or them finding an ectopic pregnancy or something bad. I was literally shaking the whole ride to the clinic and then in the waiting room. I'm not ready for this to be over! It is just beginning!

The doctor comes into the exam room while I have my legs up in the stirrups and tells me not to expect to see anything today, since I am only 5weeks 2days pregnant and there might not be anything showing up yet. She said this was basically a check to see if my lining was still healthy because they would need to switch up my dosages of meds if need be.  Finally, she sticks the ultrasound wand where it goes (ahem) and right on the screen, pops my little bean! MY bean was in there! My bean is clearly not shy and wanted the doc to know (s)he was in there! There wasn't a whole lot to see, but my yolk sac was there and even the doctor was surprised when she saw it. I had her print a picture of my bean for me, because I need EVERYTHING, so that I can just stare at my baby seahorse whenever I want!
I go in for more blood work and another ultrasound next Thursday and by then, there should be a heartbeat for this little one. Please God, let there be a heart beat! Let my bean grow big and strong and let me meet him/her so that I can love them forever.

Here is the ultrasound of my baby seahorse from today. The thing that looks like a fried egg in the middle...yep, that's my baby!! AHHHH!!! I am officially OCCUPIED!! There is no vacancy in my UTE! WOOHOOOOO

I introduce to you...MY seahorse!

Grow little Seahorse(s)! Grow!

Had my second beta today and once again the RE's office made me wait FOREVER for the results! Finally they called and my HCG levels went up from 91 to 288, so basically where they should be as far as doubling rates! 

Baby seahorse is growing! 

Tuesday, November 26th, we have our first ultrasound, to make sure my seahorse or seahorses are in my uterus where they should be! Please God....let them be there.  They will also check my HCG levels again on Tuesday with the ultrasound. I am super excited at the prospect of seeing the beginnings of my baby seahorse next week! I didn't think they would do an ultrasound until December! I know we probably won't see much that early, but hopefully the sacs of the little one(s)

Tuesday is also the day we are leaving for our Thanksgiving trip to Charleston, SC, so basically right after the appointment, we will be hitting the road with a long drive ahead of us! Hopefully I get to relax for a week after that and enjoy Charleston! 

BFP BFP BFP BFP!!!!!!

Excuse my terrible art skills!

I made it to beta day! Had my blood work this morning and then immediately came home and tested with some HPT's, since I knew my doctor wouldn't call with my results immediately.  I was crying as I dipped the FRER test into the pee and the control line of course came up quickly, but the rest of it slowly started building a line. Of course I watched it for the whole 3 minute time limit, so when the line first started forming, I thought I was seeing things and just kept saying "please...please...please" as tears welled up in my eyes even more.  Three minutes was up, and there it was! A fucking line I had never ever seen before in my life!!! It was light, but definitely there, so I ripped open a Wondfo cheapy test and dipped that in too...another line! Even darker than the first one! 

Yep...I have 1000 HPT photos on my phone now!

As I waited for my blood results, I decided to see if I had enough HCG in me to make a digital pregnancy test (they are supposedly less sensitive than the others) flash me a positive...plus I wanted to see that beautiful word! What a BEAUTIFUL WORD!! PREGNANT! It is my FAVORITE word in the world!

The word made it real!

The doctor's office finally called me back with my HCG level, which was a 91. The nurse told me at this stage, they look for at least a level of 50, so I am happy I am above that, and I go back on Thursday for a repeat to see if my levels have gone up accordingly.  We transferred two embryos, but I won't know if there is one or two seahorses in there until my first ultrasound. I am over the moon either way though, obviously!

There is a long road ahead, but for now I can say for the first time in my life, that I am KNOCKED UP! Every time I say it, I start crying! I didn't think my body could do it!

My estimated due date according to an online IVF calculator is July 27th, 2014 (my new favorite day ever). 

**I love you my seahorse(s) and I cannot wait to meet you! I cannot believe I get to say that you are mine.  Please stick with me for the next 9 months and grow strong and healthy!**

7DP5DT--Negative Feelings

The saying "Ignorance is Bliss" is so true right now. The closer I get to my beta testing day, the more nervous and negative I get!
I wish my Seahorses would give me a sign that they are still in there and have settled in, but I feel absolutely zero symptoms and that makes me even more worried.  I know that logically, I wouldn't necessarily feel anything yet, since it is still super early, but I was hoping for a sign and too bad Seahorses can't talk yet!

I don't know if it is just my brain trying to prepare for the worst, but I can't keep my faith now and I just feel like it didn't work and my Seahorses are already gone. The not knowing leaves a tiny glimmer of hope, of course, so I don't want that to be taken away by reality...realities of infertility suck big hairy balls!
Preparing for the worst or not, I will still be devastated and lose all hope of ever having my own, biological child, since clearly I have an egg quality issue as it is and my insurance will officially be cutting us off from any more IVF tries, so there's that problem too.

AHHHH!! All of these things in my head! How do people stay so positive about negative things!? I wish I was one of those Zen people.  They seem like magical unicorns that can handle anything...I want to be a freakin unicorn too!

My inner unicorn...

Positive people's inner unicorns!

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In other news, I get this IPSY "Glam Bag" every month and I got my November one today! So that always makes me feel a bit better! I love getting mail! Even if I have to pay for it myself! It was all makeup this month, which means I have to learn how to do my makeup to actually look all pretty and glamorous...but it's still fun to get surprises every month!

*Now I just have to let that little glimmer believe that I will get another GOOD surprise this month too. UGH!