This week cannot go any slower!

So today is Day 3 for my embryo development and I am growing more impatient and stressed out by the minute.  When the nurse called me on Monday with my fertilization report, she said she would put a note in my chart for the doctor to hopefully get me an update from the embryology lab on day 3 (today), since we all know how my last cycle turned out and I could use that update for my sanity!

I called this morning and left a message for someone to call me back for an update....the whole day goes by and no update. I call back and leave another message and they FINALLY just called me back, just to tell me "we don't get updates from embryology unless something has happened and plans have changed, so the good news is that you didn't get a call today!". No bitch...that doesn't help me! Last time they didn't call until the NIGHT before my scheduled transfer, even though they knew by this time last time that it wasn't going to happen! After the one nurse called me back to give me NOTHING useful, another one called right after, to tell me that my 9:30am Friday transfer has now been pushed back to 11am on Friday, which just means more time that I wont have me babies with me. I just want to see them and know they are okay! As crazy at it may sound to some, I am a MOTHER to those precious little balls of cells and I am feeling very protective over them.

 

I know I am probably being kooky and that I should have hope that this IS good news that embryology didn't update them and that means I still have a good chunk of embryos still growing in the lab, but the paranoia caused by my last IVF is taking over me like a monster! I just don't trust their "no news is good news" line anymore.

 

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So, in an effort to have something positive in this post; my OHSS symptoms have improved greatly today and I am feeling much less sore and bloated. Also, if my seahorses are doing well and are healthy, they should look like this today:

A beautiful 8 cell embryo: I hope this is what my seahorses are!

Going crazy?

I feel like I am going to lose my mind before Friday! I am so worried about how my seahorses are growing and I wish they had a webcam or something on them, so I could watch them whenever I wanted! I was seriously tempted to drive over to the clinic like a crazy lady and ask for a status report. Tomorrow, I was going to call and see if they can make a call up to the embryology lab tomorrow for a Day 3 update, but I am also afraid of the phone ringing because according to them, silence is golden and that means things are going well.

For the first IVF, I honestly didn't stress out this much. I figured as long as they didn't call me, I was fine and I managed to not be thinking about it constantly. This time, I know what can happen and it is way more nerve wracking!

This is what my seahorses SHOULD look like today.

What makes me even more nervous now, is that I am definitely feeling some OHSS [ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome] symptoms this time around (I had none last time) and that can potentially cancel my transfer if there is too much bloating and fluid and if my embryos make it to transfer day, I would be completely shattered if I got cancelled due to OHSS and had to freeze my seahorses!
Right now, I am still wishing and hoping and praying for my miracle.

Fert Report!

So yesterday was my egg retrieval. The procedure went much better than last time and the anesthesia wasn't nearly as awful! I was able to come home and rest on the couch with some TV all day and not feel like a zombie with no appetite. Had some soreness which is to be expected (even though I didn't have any last time), but I pulled the sofa bed out for myself, and relaxed with my Dr. Parker all day, watching a marathon of Shameless episodes on Showtime!

So the details of egg retrieval: They retrieved 16 eggs this time...it was 15 eggs last time and they called me this morning with the news of my fertilization results.

16 eggs retrieved
16 eggs were mature (meaning they can be fertilized)
15 eggs fertilized with ICSI

That's right folks!!! I have FIFTEEN embryos growing right now! FIFTEEN!!!!!! I couldn't believe it! I started crying on the phone when the nurse told me....I thought I heard her wrong! We are doing so much better at this point than we were last time. We only had FIVE embryos last time, so I am hoping and wishing and praying that out of fifteen, our baby is in there somewhere!

Since I had a Little Mermaid theme going on for this cycle, my embryos have been dubbed my seahorses (to go with my carved pumpkin) and I hope that my Seahorses thrive and grow and know that I love every single one of them already and I hope they want to meet me as much as I want to meet them!

Egg Retrieval #2- Sunday, November 3rd.

So the dreaded time has come.  I wish I could be more excited, but I am already getting flashbacks about how I felt after my last egg retrieval. I am going to speak to the anesthesiologist about how I reacted and I am hoping there is something different he can use or that he can lighten my dose so I don't feel as awful and drained after.

This is how I am feeling about egg retrieval

I had my trigger shot last night (the shot of HCG is used to trigger ovulation, or in the case of IVF, loosen the eggs from the follicles so that they are easily sucked out when the doctor tries to retrieve them). Yep, that's the first of those big needles that go in my butt! J got a little cocky about the whole thing, since he had done them fine during my last IVF, so he didn't take the practice I made him do seriously and when he did the shot, it was awful and painful and burned like a sonofabitch!

He did it way too slow, instead of in a quick dart motion like he should have. It's a big needle so pushing it slowly into the skin, HURTS! I was NOT impressed and my emotions just started coming to the surface about this whole experience.

                                                This video shows how NOT to do a Butt shot!

Not only am I worried about the initial side effects of the anesthesia that made me miserable last time, but now I am also extremely worried that my eggs will have the same issues and that any embryos we get will be abnormal again. After surgery, I won't hear about how many eggs even fertilized until Monday morning and then I wont know how my embryos are growing until at least Wednesday, which is a long time when you are thinking about your potential babies sitting in a petri dish, with no knowledge of how they are doing! When I went into the clinic today to get blood work to check my HCG level, I was already like a teapot ready to boil over. I get there and request not to have the nurse that hurts my arm with blood work, and of course she's the ONLY nurse there to do blood work today! Well that was it....as soon as she called my name, I burst into tears like a crazy lady! She was nice and comforted me, and then another nurse walked by and saw me crying, so I guess she went and told my doctor, so he came out to say hello as well.  I need to start believing that this will work and I will get some nice embryos this time, ICSI will give me more options and increase my fertilization rate and my embryos won't be little scary monsters with a bunch of brains this time! I need a victory here!

 

Today, I am relaxing at home and making my mom's chicken noodle soup recipe as something to comfort me before surgery and hopefully something that I will be able to eat after surgery when I am feeling nauseous and have zero appetite. I even found "harvest" pasta at Marshalls the other day and thought that would be perfect to put in the soup, since this is the "Harvest Hopefuls" IVF cycle. It was randomly on a messy shelf full of different dry food goods and it was the last bag, so I am hoping it is a sign of hopeful harvests to come!

How cute is this pasta?

** Thanks for reading and thank you so much for all the well wishes I have received from everyone! It definitely helps to have the support when going through something like this. I will probably update on Monday, once I know what my Fert Report is for my eggies. THINK EGGIE THOUGHTS!

Happy Halloween!

Insert Panic Here!

Today, at my monitoring, the doctor was looking at my follicles and told me there was a big possibility that tonight I would be triggering. I had a bit of concern because I have only had 9 doses of Follistim so far (last time I had 10) and my doctor had said before this cycle started, that he wanted to hold me off a little longer for this cycle, in the hopes of more mature eggs. I brought that up and then they told me they would look at my blood work and compare to last cycle and then let me know, so they called this afternoon to say I have one more night of Follistim and then I will most likely trigger tomorrow night instead (egg retrieval Saturday).

 Knowing for sure that trigger was near, my chest immediately started hurting and getting tight...I am in panic mode about going under anesthesia again, now that I know how it went over last time. I am seriously wishing my doctor was one of the doctors that gave me some relaxation drugs and I was awake for the procedure, I know it might hurt, but the anesthesia is freaking me the frick out! I honestly don't know how I am going to get through the next few days and get past retrieval with my mind intact. I just wish I could skip ahead to Monday, when I hopefully have healthy, happy embryos growing in a petri dish!

Please, please, please let ICSI be the trick we needed to get better fertilization results! If you don't know about it, ICSI is pretty fascinating. Tiny sperm and egg cells being manipulated into fertilization, using tiny medical instruments, under a microscope, in a lab. I wish I could watch them go through the process with my own eggs, but I did see a video of a couple from the Today Show that went through the IVF on live television and they showed the woman's eggs being fertilized with ICSI.  This is what will be happening, shortly after my eggs are retrieved from me!

 

 

I am also not the only one going through this immense stress right now...Tomorrow (Halloween), my good friend will be having a surgery to hopefully help her get a better understanding of her own fertility. I wish her a safe and easy surgery and a quick and speedy recovery, with "positive" results in the near future!

 

 

Stupid Comments

A couple of posts ago, I vented about a friend that had made an insensitive and nasty comment to me because I have chosen to spare my feelings and sanity and remove my pregnant friends from my Facebook newsfeed (which again, most are aware of and totally fine with). Some may think I am trying to hide from the world, but clearly I cannot avoid every pregnant woman or woman with an infant out in public, I cannot control what others are doing around me, but I can control WHEN I see these things on my Facebook at home. If I feel curious, I will click on an individual's profile to see their updated bump photos or ultrasound photos, but I do it at my own pace, I don't need it shoved down my throat on a particularly bad day.

Last night, I happened to come across this "friend's" Facebook page (don't know why I looked since I removed her from my newsfeed as well) and what do I see, but a childish, bitchy dig that I am certain was directed towards me!

I didn't realize protecting myself from surprise announcements, ultrasound photos and bump photos, was ruining someone else's happiness. It just solidifies my feelings about this friendship being over, because instead of her letting it go with one stupid comment, she continued to go on about it and put out little digs. This is not high school and she is old enough to be my mother...I am over that crap.

***Anyway, thanks for listening to my rant!

I had more monitoring this morning and the doctor said "you will probably be coming in more frequently now, because you have a lot of follicles and we like to keep an eye on them" (there goes my sleep!). She also said that I will probably have ER over the weekend, but maybe even beginning of next week, depending on the size of my follies, since they want to hold me off a little longer this time, in hopes of getting more mature eggs.