Just an outlet for me to share my day to day happenings of married life, life with our goldendoodle, Parker and my journey with infertility and IVF and now finally the joys of pregnancy!
I had my follow-up appointment so that the doctor could explain where my IVF cycle went wrong and I was hoping there was something they could change to make sure that didn't happen again. Apparently, I had 9 mature eggs out of 15, but only 5 fertilized (which he thought was a little low) and by day three, 4/5 of the embryos had arrested and stopped growing. On day four when the doctor called me with the bad news, the one embryo I had left was where it should have been development wise, but it was genetically abnormal and had multiple nuclei. The doctor told me that the problem with multiple nuclei tends to be an egg problem (fuck) and there's nothing I can do to improve that for another cycle and that it's just the eggs I already have. He said of course not ALL of my eggs are abnormal, but I happened to have the bad luck of all the ones that were retrieved for IVF were.
Since we only have two IVF cycles covered through insurance, and paying out of pocket for any is basically out of the question, at my follow-up, the doctor said he wasn't confident that I'd only need one more cycle of IVF for it to be the positive one and that he suggested I have the Lap surgery instead, so that he could see what was definitely going on with my tube and maybe I would have luck trying the natural way to get pregnant.
So basically, I am not feeling confident about anything right now and I am not mentally/emotionally ready to have the surgery. The idea of having a tube in my mouth and more anesthesia and then having actual incisions with stitches in my abdomen freaks me out and I am not ready for that kind of procedure.
Basically, until I get to a place where I am ready for surgery, I guess we aren't going to become parents anytime soon. This has been a difficult realization and I have basically cried every day since I found out my embryo transfer was not going to happen. I am trying to keep busy, but mostly that means I have been eating too much, since J was busy with work and I don't have a job. We are going away for a few nights over Labor Day weekend, and I hope the time away helps me relax a bit. Though, I don't think I will ever get this stuff off of my mind.
I searched on etsy under "infertility" and as I was browsing, I noticed what the middle row said...the etsy God's are trying to spook me.
The day after I was canceled, I decided to grow my chia pet gnome. He has a full beard now.
After my follow-up appointment, J got me flowers.
Overlook on the Hudson. The city was behind us.
There was a Dog Fest in the park in our town. Here is Parker enjoying the "Splash Zone" paddling pools to beat the heat.
Anyway...thanks for reading. There isn't much else to say because I feel like my life revolves around trying to have a baby and I can't make myself not think about it. Maybe I will update with another blog post after our trip to Lake Saranac next weekend.
So my doctor called me this afternoon to tell me that all of my embryos were still growing, but that they were all abnormal, and therefore I am canceled and should just stop the meds.
Had my egg retrieval yesterday and it went better (and worse) than expected! Everything was fine for the surgery and I did pretty well at mostly remaining positive and calm, but it was my first experience under anesthesia, so you can imagine there were some nerves involved.
Getting ready to go. Wore my lucky socks and star shirt!
Everything was okay, I came out of surgery fine and they told us they had retrieved 15 eggs. I got home and went from really exhausted from the anesthesia, to shivering uncontrollably and having bad anxiety. Apparently, this is a reaction that some women have to coming off anesthesia and of course I am one of those lucky women. I got zero sleep last night and still am feeling anxious today, but it has improved a bit, so I will hope it is gone by tonight and I can get a good night sleep!
I brought Trixy to the hospital with me and she was a hit with all of the nurses. The nurse that did my IV, took Trixy around the floor, showing her off to all of the other nurses and doctors and having them guess what she was. The OR nurse let Trixy come to the operating room with me, so she was with me throughout the whole surgery, keeping an eye on my uterus and ovaries for me, while I was asleep!
Got Trixy and my IV
Even though I am exhausted this morning, I decided not to even really attempt sleep, in hopes that I will crash when it is bed time tonight. This means I was awake and at the phone when the nurse called to check up on me and give me my Fert. Report. Right now, we have 5 little Nemo's (embryo's) growing in the lab today. Barring any complication to my little Nemo's, I am scheduled for am embryo transfer for Monday morning and I hope that Nemo is super sticky and snuggles right in!
This is how I feel...on a smaller scale obviously! lol
Thank you to all that sent well wishes and good juju for yesterday...it must have helped!
Feeling full of emotions today (even more than yesterday, if you can believe it!). I had my blood work and ultrasound again this morning and my follicles are officially ready. They were around 14mm yesterday and today they were 16-17mm, which means primo size for egg extraction. I was kind of expecting to have another day of going the way I have been, but now everything is changed for the next step. I stop all of my stomach injections (silver lining?) and officially move on to the dreaded butt shot! Tonight, I start off with my trigger shot, which is a shot of HCG that will assist in the final maturation of my eggs and give my ovaries the memo that they need to be released. My egg retrieval surgery is scheduled for Wednesday morning at 9:30am, where they hopefully get a bunch of mature healthy eggs and then fertilize them with a fresh sample of J's sperm. While I am knocked out with a needle up my vag, poking holes into my follicles, J will be in a special room, doing his biggest task for this process (makes me giggle, but I wish I had his job!).
So, as many of you may know...I am part of a group called August's Shooting Stars and it is for women cycling for IVF in August. I am so glad I have this group, because if I didn't have anyone to commiserate with about this whole process, I probably would have gone crazy (er) a long time ago! In the hope that I can bring all the luck I possibly can, I even made a "shooting star" t-shirt to wear during my egg retrieval and embryo transfers and I painted my nails in "starry silver glitter". I need all that shooting star juju!
Anyway, tonight at 10:30pm, I will officially be triggered! Ahhh! And this will be J's first experience with shot giving, since I did all my stomach shots myself (control freak and I like it that way!). I was freaking out to the doctor about it, so she gave me a few tips (which didn't really make me feel better about it) and even drew some circles on my butt, so that J couldn't possible miss!
Should have had her use a sharpie!
It's not even really on my butt cheeks, so hopefully this means it will be less painful! I am still freaking out though...butt shot anxiety is in full force! I know I am not alone though, and I have to just keep thinking of that. Wishing all of the other Shooting Stars luck with the rest of their cycles! I hope we all get our BFP's soon!
Hard to see, but he has star head bops!
**Figured I would just update this post instead of creating a whole new post. I survived my trigger shot. J did a good job once he was done panicking! My heart was pounding out of my chest, but in the end, I made it out to be WAY worse than it was. I am sure the progesterone butt shot will be different, since it is a thicker solution, but I am hoping it isn't too much worse!
I am trying to keep calm since I am now at the point of no return. I mean, I guess I was at that point as soon as the first needle went into my stomach, but now that my follicles are growing and my egg retrieval surgery will be THIS week, it is feeling way more real! I am not at all nervous about having a baby since that is obviously my goal and I cannot wait to be a mom to a little person! What I am nervous about is the surgery (I have never been under anesthesia before and it's just giving me anxiety), and I am nervous about my eggs being good and growing good embryos and I think most of all, I am nervous about the butt shots. I literally get heart palpitations just thinking about them and I am starting to have trouble sleeping because I know they are coming up this week. There's more anxiety about the fact that J is going to have to do the butt shots, since I don't think I will be able to get the right angle for darting my own butt. I seriously wish I could just continue to do stomach shots! Blah!
I have to keep reminding myself that I am hopefully just one shot closer to my baby! I hope I can do this, because right now, I think butt shots for another month and a half (or more) and I just want to cry.
Yeah...seems accurate
Anyway, my follies were around 14 mm this morning (they need to be around 17mm for retrieval), so I am at the point where I have to go in for blood work and ultrasounds every day, instead of every other day (super excited about that one...). The doctor said I should expect to have an egg retrieval around Wednesday or Thursday of this week, which means I will get my trigger shot (my first butt shot) around Tuesday probably. I just can't wait till this is all over and I have a baby occupying my ute!
I have been having more and more anxiety about this whole process. I feel like I was doing well and not stressing too much until that nurse hurt my arm on Monday, and now I am having some serious needle anxiety. I had to return to the office for more blood work and another ultrasound today, to check on the progress of my follicles and check my blood levels (the other day my estrogen was rising too fast which is why they lowered my dose) and when I got to the office, I started feeling really panicky thinking about getting the same nurse for blood work again. I originally didn't want to start any drama and be "that girl" at the doctor's office, but seeing my arm this morning (still sore and stiff and now seriously bruised), I just could not have that woman again, so I whispered to the receptionist to make sure I didn't get Nurse Butcher today.
The bruising on my arm this morning (2 days later)
I was so happy to see my usual nurse come around the corner, and when I showed her my arm, her response was "Whoa! you don't usually bruise!". I told her what had happened and the pain that shot up my arm and how sore and stiff it has been since then, so she took a look and felt it and said there is even a lump under my skin where blood probably built up. She thinks the other nurse hit one of the tendons in my arm and that is why it was so painful and bruised. So much for being discreet about my IVF when my arm looks like a heroin addict's arm and it's the middle of summer so I am certainly not wearing cardigans!
So the results from today: My follicles had grown since Monday, but are still small and need more time (tonight will be my 6th dose of Follistim) and apparently my estrogen levels were up as well because they lowered my dose of Follistim AGAIN. So lower dose of Follistim now and go back for more blood work and another ultrasound on Friday. I am a little disappointed that my follicles are still small, even though the doctor didn't seem concerned. He said we will probably be looking at egg retrieval for late next week. Slow and steady wins the race hopefully!
I also started going to a new acupuncturist today, since I have been reading about how there are studies that say it can increase the chances of pregnancy with IVF when acupuncture is done the day of embryo transfer. I have gone to acupuncture before all of this, but I decided to change doctors for IVF since I knew my doctor worked with this new one. The acupuncturist I met with today seemed nice and seemed to know what she was doing with regards to IVF and said they have worked with a lot of patients from my RE's office which is good to hear. I was still anxious even thought I have never had a problem with acupuncture before because of all the pain and needles I have had lately, and when I got on the bed, she stuck a needle in my leg and I nearly shot threw the roof! She must have hit a nerve or something because my leg started throbbing and pulsing and I actually had to call her back into the room to remove it when she was done with the other needles. After that, I just couldn't relax and was just anxiously sweating and counting the seconds till I was done. So not what I am used to with acupuncture, but everything is hyper sensitive right now and I am hyper emotional and hormonal on top of it! UGH. Now going to acupuncture is going to stress me out...yet another thing to make me anxious! Can someone just wake me up when this is all over and I am knocked up?
So, since my last post, I have gotten my period, had two more ultrasounds and blood work and I started my Follistim on Friday. Just a recap: the Follistim will stimulate my ovaries and hopefully help them produce a bunch of follicles and therefore, a bunch of eggs!
This is how I picture it.
I was excited to start the Follistim, since this means I am one step closer to getting that baby, but the excitement ended when I did my first shot and the Follistim pen didn't function the way I expected it to. I pinched my skin (as I am supposed to), and stuck the needle in, but when I tried to push down the plunger button to release the medication, it wouldn't move, and I ended up having to hold the pen with one hand, while slowly twisting the plunger down. This is very difficult to do, while trying to hold the pen still inside my skin! That night and the night after, I got painfully bloated, to the point where I already looked pregnant, and it hurt so bad, I wanted to cry! I have been chugging Powerade/Gatorade to combat the bloat and so far it has helped, so I guess I will just have to continue doing that throughout the rest of this process and hopefully I don't end up getting overstimulated (OHSS).
Let's get these ovaries movin!
J started his medications on Friday as well...not fair.
Today, I had my first monitoring appointment since starting the Follistim and the nurse seriously hurt my arm doing my blood work. I can barely move it still and it happened hours ago. By the time I got to my ultrasound, my arm was throbbing so bad, I about cried in front of the doctor!
Love looking like a drug addict
The ultrasound showed "a bunch" of follicles but they are still small, which is expected after only three days of the stims, but my blood work apparently showed something (they didn't say what) and they have already lowered my dose of nightly medication. They didn't say anything was wrong, but I can't help but be worried about this when I have only had three doses and I should be on the stims for around 10 days. STRESS! Here is a video of my slow Follistim torture. Super fun....
Anyway, I go back for another monitoring appointment on Wednesday and I am PRAYING I don't get the same nurse because I only have one good arm left!
Thanks for reading my stress ramble!
Parker is having a better day than I am, obviously.
