Limbo (Not the fun kind)

Just an update since I was cancelled.

I had my follow-up appointment so that the doctor could explain where my IVF cycle went wrong and I was hoping there was something they could change to make sure that didn't happen again. Apparently, I had 9 mature eggs out of 15, but only 5 fertilized (which he thought was a little low) and by day three, 4/5 of the embryos had arrested and stopped growing. On day four when the doctor called me with the bad news, the one embryo I had left was where it should have been development wise, but it was genetically abnormal and had multiple nuclei. The doctor told me that the problem with multiple nuclei tends to be an egg problem (fuck) and there's nothing I can do to improve that for another cycle and that it's just the eggs I already have. He said of course not ALL of my eggs are abnormal, but I happened to have the bad luck of all the ones that were retrieved for IVF were.

Since we only have two IVF cycles covered through insurance, and paying out of pocket for any is basically out of the question, at my follow-up, the doctor said he wasn't confident that I'd only need one more cycle of IVF for it to be the positive one and that he suggested I have the Lap surgery instead, so that he could see what was definitely going on with my tube and maybe I would have luck trying the natural way to get pregnant.

So basically, I am not feeling confident about anything right now and I am not mentally/emotionally ready to have the surgery. The idea of having a tube in my mouth and more anesthesia and then having actual incisions with stitches in my abdomen freaks me out and I am not ready for that kind of procedure.
Basically, until I get to a place where I am ready for surgery, I guess we aren't going to become parents anytime soon. This has been a difficult realization and I have basically cried every day since I found out my embryo transfer was not going to happen. I am trying to keep busy, but mostly that means I have been eating too much, since J was busy with work and I don't have a job. We are going away for a few nights over Labor Day weekend, and I hope the time away helps me relax a bit. Though, I don't think I will ever get this stuff off of my mind.

I searched on etsy under "infertility" and as I was browsing, I noticed what the middle row said...the etsy God's are trying to spook me.

The day after I was canceled, I decided to grow my chia pet gnome. He has a full beard now.

After my follow-up appointment, J got me flowers.

Overlook on the Hudson. The city was behind us.

There was a Dog Fest in the park in our town. Here is Parker enjoying the "Splash Zone" paddling pools to beat the heat.

Anyway...thanks for reading. There isn't much else to say because I feel like my life revolves around trying to have a baby and I can't make myself not think about it. Maybe I will update with another blog post after our trip to Lake Saranac next weekend.

End of the road before it even began.

So my doctor called me this afternoon to tell me that all of my embryos were still growing, but that they were all abnormal, and therefore I am canceled and should just stop the meds.

"Just keep growing, Just keep growing...Just keep growing, growing, growing"

Had my egg retrieval yesterday and it went better (and worse) than expected! Everything was fine for the surgery and I did pretty well at mostly remaining positive and calm, but it was my first experience under anesthesia, so you can imagine there were some nerves involved.

Getting ready to go. Wore my lucky socks and star shirt!

 Everything was okay, I came out of surgery fine and they told us they had retrieved 15 eggs. I got home and went from really exhausted from the anesthesia, to shivering uncontrollably and having bad anxiety. Apparently, this is a reaction that some women have to coming off anesthesia and of course I am one of those lucky women. I got zero sleep last night and still am feeling anxious today, but it has improved a bit, so I will hope it is gone by tonight and I can get a good night sleep!

I brought Trixy to the hospital with me and she was a hit with all of the nurses. The nurse that did my IV, took Trixy around the floor, showing her off to all of the other nurses and doctors and having them guess what she was. The OR nurse let Trixy come to the operating room with me, so she was with me throughout the whole surgery, keeping an eye on my uterus and ovaries for me, while I was asleep!

Got Trixy and my IV

Even though I am exhausted this morning, I decided not to even really attempt sleep, in hopes that I will crash when it is bed time tonight. This means I was awake and at the phone when the nurse called to check up on me and give me my Fert. Report. Right now, we have 5 little Nemo's (embryo's) growing in the lab today. Barring any complication to my little Nemo's, I am scheduled for am embryo transfer for Monday morning and I hope that Nemo is super sticky and snuggles right in!

This is how I feel...on a smaller scale obviously! lol

Thank you to all that sent well wishes and good juju for yesterday...it must have helped!

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?"

Feeling full of emotions today (even more than yesterday, if you can believe it!). I had my blood work and ultrasound again this morning and my follicles are officially ready. They were around 14mm yesterday and today they were 16-17mm, which means primo size for egg extraction. I was kind of expecting to have another day of going the way I have been, but now everything is changed for the next step. I stop all of my stomach injections (silver lining?) and officially move on to the dreaded butt shot! Tonight, I start off with my trigger shot, which is a shot of HCG that will assist in the final maturation of my eggs and give my ovaries the memo that they need to be released. My egg retrieval surgery is scheduled for Wednesday morning at 9:30am, where they hopefully get a bunch of mature healthy eggs and then fertilize them with a fresh sample of J's sperm. While I am knocked out with a needle up my vag, poking holes into my follicles, J will be in a special room, doing his biggest task for this process (makes me giggle, but I wish I had his job!).

 

So, as many of you may know...I am part of a group called August's Shooting Stars and it is for women cycling for IVF in August. I am so glad I have this group, because if I didn't have anyone to commiserate with about this whole process, I probably would have gone crazy (er) a long time ago! In the hope that I can bring all the luck I possibly can, I even made a "shooting star" t-shirt to wear during my egg retrieval and embryo transfers and I painted my nails in "starry silver glitter". I need all that shooting star juju!

Anyway, tonight at 10:30pm, I will officially be triggered! Ahhh! And this will be J's first experience with shot giving, since I did all my stomach shots myself (control freak and I like it that way!). I was freaking out to the doctor about it, so she gave me a few tips (which didn't really make me feel better about it) and even drew some circles on my butt, so that J couldn't possible miss!

Should have had her use a sharpie!

 

It's not even really on my butt cheeks, so hopefully this means it will be less painful! I am still freaking out though...butt shot anxiety is in full force! I know I am not alone though, and I have to just keep thinking of that. Wishing all of the other Shooting Stars luck with the rest of their cycles! I hope we all get our BFP's soon!

Hard to see, but he has star head bops!

 

**Figured I would just update this post instead of creating a whole new post. I survived my trigger shot. J did a good job once he was done panicking! My heart was pounding out of my chest, but in the end, I made it out to be WAY worse than it was. I am sure the progesterone butt shot will be different, since it is a thicker solution, but I am hoping it isn't too much worse!

 



I had J practice on a peach!
 



Getting closer... and get more nervous.

 

 

I am trying to keep calm since I am now at the point of no return. I mean, I guess I was at that point as soon as the first needle went into my stomach, but now that my follicles are growing and my egg retrieval surgery will be THIS week, it is feeling way more real! I am not at all nervous about having a baby since that is obviously my goal and I cannot wait to be a mom to a little person! What I am nervous about is the surgery (I have never been under anesthesia before and it's just giving me anxiety), and I am nervous about my eggs being good and growing good embryos and I think most of all, I am nervous about the butt shots. I literally get heart palpitations just thinking about them and I am starting to have trouble sleeping because I know they are coming up this week. There's more anxiety about the fact that J is going to have to do the butt shots, since I don't think I will be able to get the right angle for darting my own butt. I seriously wish I could just continue to do stomach shots! Blah!

 

I have to keep reminding myself that I am hopefully just one shot closer to my baby! I hope I can do this, because right now, I think butt shots for another month and a half (or more) and I just want to cry.

Yeah...seems accurate


 

Anyway, my follies were around 14 mm this morning (they need to be around 17mm for retrieval), so I am at the point where I have to go in for blood work and ultrasounds every day, instead of every other day (super excited about that one...). The doctor said I should expect to have an egg retrieval around Wednesday or Thursday of this week, which means I will get my trigger shot (my first butt shot) around Tuesday probably. I just can't wait till this is all over and I have a baby occupying my ute!