Limbo (Not the fun kind)

Just an update since I was cancelled.

I had my follow-up appointment so that the doctor could explain where my IVF cycle went wrong and I was hoping there was something they could change to make sure that didn't happen again. Apparently, I had 9 mature eggs out of 15, but only 5 fertilized (which he thought was a little low) and by day three, 4/5 of the embryos had arrested and stopped growing. On day four when the doctor called me with the bad news, the one embryo I had left was where it should have been development wise, but it was genetically abnormal and had multiple nuclei. The doctor told me that the problem with multiple nuclei tends to be an egg problem (fuck) and there's nothing I can do to improve that for another cycle and that it's just the eggs I already have. He said of course not ALL of my eggs are abnormal, but I happened to have the bad luck of all the ones that were retrieved for IVF were.

Since we only have two IVF cycles covered through insurance, and paying out of pocket for any is basically out of the question, at my follow-up, the doctor said he wasn't confident that I'd only need one more cycle of IVF for it to be the positive one and that he suggested I have the Lap surgery instead, so that he could see what was definitely going on with my tube and maybe I would have luck trying the natural way to get pregnant.

So basically, I am not feeling confident about anything right now and I am not mentally/emotionally ready to have the surgery. The idea of having a tube in my mouth and more anesthesia and then having actual incisions with stitches in my abdomen freaks me out and I am not ready for that kind of procedure.
Basically, until I get to a place where I am ready for surgery, I guess we aren't going to become parents anytime soon. This has been a difficult realization and I have basically cried every day since I found out my embryo transfer was not going to happen. I am trying to keep busy, but mostly that means I have been eating too much, since J was busy with work and I don't have a job. We are going away for a few nights over Labor Day weekend, and I hope the time away helps me relax a bit. Though, I don't think I will ever get this stuff off of my mind.

I searched on etsy under "infertility" and as I was browsing, I noticed what the middle row said...the etsy God's are trying to spook me.

The day after I was canceled, I decided to grow my chia pet gnome. He has a full beard now.

After my follow-up appointment, J got me flowers.

Overlook on the Hudson. The city was behind us.

There was a Dog Fest in the park in our town. Here is Parker enjoying the "Splash Zone" paddling pools to beat the heat.

Anyway...thanks for reading. There isn't much else to say because I feel like my life revolves around trying to have a baby and I can't make myself not think about it. Maybe I will update with another blog post after our trip to Lake Saranac next weekend.