Happy Halloween!

Insert Panic Here!

Today, at my monitoring, the doctor was looking at my follicles and told me there was a big possibility that tonight I would be triggering. I had a bit of concern because I have only had 9 doses of Follistim so far (last time I had 10) and my doctor had said before this cycle started, that he wanted to hold me off a little longer for this cycle, in the hopes of more mature eggs. I brought that up and then they told me they would look at my blood work and compare to last cycle and then let me know, so they called this afternoon to say I have one more night of Follistim and then I will most likely trigger tomorrow night instead (egg retrieval Saturday).

 Knowing for sure that trigger was near, my chest immediately started hurting and getting tight...I am in panic mode about going under anesthesia again, now that I know how it went over last time. I am seriously wishing my doctor was one of the doctors that gave me some relaxation drugs and I was awake for the procedure, I know it might hurt, but the anesthesia is freaking me the frick out! I honestly don't know how I am going to get through the next few days and get past retrieval with my mind intact. I just wish I could skip ahead to Monday, when I hopefully have healthy, happy embryos growing in a petri dish!

Please, please, please let ICSI be the trick we needed to get better fertilization results! If you don't know about it, ICSI is pretty fascinating. Tiny sperm and egg cells being manipulated into fertilization, using tiny medical instruments, under a microscope, in a lab. I wish I could watch them go through the process with my own eggs, but I did see a video of a couple from the Today Show that went through the IVF on live television and they showed the woman's eggs being fertilized with ICSI.  This is what will be happening, shortly after my eggs are retrieved from me!

 

 

I am also not the only one going through this immense stress right now...Tomorrow (Halloween), my good friend will be having a surgery to hopefully help her get a better understanding of her own fertility. I wish her a safe and easy surgery and a quick and speedy recovery, with "positive" results in the near future!

 

 

Stupid Comments

A couple of posts ago, I vented about a friend that had made an insensitive and nasty comment to me because I have chosen to spare my feelings and sanity and remove my pregnant friends from my Facebook newsfeed (which again, most are aware of and totally fine with). Some may think I am trying to hide from the world, but clearly I cannot avoid every pregnant woman or woman with an infant out in public, I cannot control what others are doing around me, but I can control WHEN I see these things on my Facebook at home. If I feel curious, I will click on an individual's profile to see their updated bump photos or ultrasound photos, but I do it at my own pace, I don't need it shoved down my throat on a particularly bad day.

Last night, I happened to come across this "friend's" Facebook page (don't know why I looked since I removed her from my newsfeed as well) and what do I see, but a childish, bitchy dig that I am certain was directed towards me!

I didn't realize protecting myself from surprise announcements, ultrasound photos and bump photos, was ruining someone else's happiness. It just solidifies my feelings about this friendship being over, because instead of her letting it go with one stupid comment, she continued to go on about it and put out little digs. This is not high school and she is old enough to be my mother...I am over that crap.

***Anyway, thanks for listening to my rant!

I had more monitoring this morning and the doctor said "you will probably be coming in more frequently now, because you have a lot of follicles and we like to keep an eye on them" (there goes my sleep!). She also said that I will probably have ER over the weekend, but maybe even beginning of next week, depending on the size of my follies, since they want to hold me off a little longer this time, in hopes of getting more mature eggs.

 

 

Chugging Along...

(**Someone posted this image on Facebook today and I stole  borrowed it because it explains the goals of IVF perfectly)

Tonight will be my 8th dose of Follistim. I had monitoring yesterday morning that showed my follies were still small and had some growing to do (which is totally expected since I was on Follistim for 10 doses before I triggered last time). My left ovary was looking a little slower than my right, showing follicles that were too small to measure, so hopefully that slacker catches up by the end of the week! I need some good mature eggs to give me a chance at a good little embryo (or two). Deep down, I know Frosties are not going to happen for me, since it would be a miracle to get ONE good embryo, but it's obviously still a hope to have that option.

The doctor said I am probably looking at ER (egg retrieval surgery) for the weekend. My anxiety is magnified when I think about going through anesthesia again after the miserable experience I had last time. I hope the anesthesiologist can do something to make it better, but I am also going to book an "M Technique" hand massage for right before the procedure this time. My clinic offers it to women doing egg retrievals and embryo transfers, but I didn't realize last time, that I had to request it. My doctor also said that he would give me a prescription for a few pills for after the egg retrieval, to help with my anxiety, so I hopefully don't have such a panic attack this time.

 Just for fun, I decided to count out how many shots I have done so far....including last cycle and this cycle so far, by the end of today, I will have done 63 shots in my stomach, 5 shots in my butt and I don't know how many blood tests and obviously that count is still going!

 

This weekend, I tried to be more relaxed, with no planned activities like we have been doing. Of course, we ended up having to grocery shop and run other errands, so we ended up being out most of the day Saturday and then when we got home, we were too tired to even go out to dinner (which we usually do on Saturday night)! Sunday, we had to be up early for my monitoring at the doctor's office, then did a few things while we were out. When we got home, we had laundry to do (woohoo) and laundry is a serious pain in the ass where we live. There's only one machine for the whole building, so on the weekends you have to keep checking to see if someone is done with their load. The "new" machine they put in there leaks when it is used, so you have to be extra careful transferring clothes from the washer to the dryer, because ONE mistake lands your clean clothes in a flooded lake on the dirty floor of the basement laundry room! I CANNOT wait to move and have my own washer and dryer!
 While the laundry was going, we decided to carve/decorate out pumpkins since Halloween is on Thursday. I was feeling lazy about carving since that requires some kind of effort, so I blamed it on my swollen ovaries. I got some ideas from Pinterest and decided to GLITTER my pumpkins! J carved one of the pumpkins and I had him do seahorses to stick with my Little Mermaid theme for this cycle!

I do a calendar of Parker photos, so this is Parker's Fall shot!
 

Feelings

Many of you know that infertility comes with a lot of mixed emotions and stress. In order to shield myself from unnecessary pain, I have quite a few pregnant friends removed from my Facebook newsfeed because of the surprise updates and photos that can happen on a particularly bad day. Most of these girls are aware that they have been removed from my newsfeed and they understand and are not offended by this (just as I wouldn't be offended if I were on the other end of this...you do what you have to do to protect your sanity). It does not mean I am not happy for my friends and that I have ill wishes for them because they have what I want, but I also don't need a reminder of my body's failures all the time and I am already in a fragile state of mind.
Well, the reason I am giving that back story is because I have a friend with a daughter that is now pregnant with her second child and has a due date that would have basically been my due date, had my IVF #1 worked. I have never met this girl, so I really don't feel the need to gush for her and be constantly exposed to her ultrasound photos and pregnancy announcements on my Facebook. If I don't want to be surprised with FRIEND'S photos, why would I want to be exposed to a stranger's photos? Tonight the mother (that is my friend and has told me she thinks of me like a daughter), told me I was selfish because I have people off my newsfeed and that I should just be happy for everyone else, whether or not it is something I get to experience. One of the most hurtful things I have heard from someone since finding out about my infertility problems and frankly, something my MOTHER would NEVER have said to me. I am so disappointed in this person, especially since she KNOWS my whole situation and also that her daughter's due date is near what mine would have been. What she doesn't know, I guess, is what it feels like to be in my situation. As of right now, I am down a friend (or at least what I thought was a friend).

In other news, had my blood work and ultrasound this morning and I started Follistim tonight, so I am officially in this again. First injection didn't hurt, so I hope I can manage that trick for the rest of them. Last time, I had some painful nights from the Follistim, since I can't get the darn injection pen to work properly! I guess I am about 2 weeks away from having embies in a petri dish again...I just pray that these embies don't have the same issues as my last ones. Since I am part of the Harvest Hopefuls this cycle, I got these socks to wear on egg retrieval day. I happened to see them among the Halloween socks at the craft store and thought they were perfect!

And lastly, I did manage to make it to ziplining again, since I hadn't started Follistim, so my body cooperated with that at least! This time was definitely more intense than the last one. Faster and higher ziplines and more physical requirements from me. The first one felt like we were just riding down in a hammock, this one yesterday, made my body sore from using muscles I don't normally use! Hopefully I recover from my daredevil soreness soon, but I am certainly glad I didn't let IVF stop me from doing it!

Fall colors

People may disappoint me, but this boy never does!

 

Need to start thinking like Ariel!

My negativity seems to be consuming me lately. I am really trying not to let it control me, but I can't help thinking about how this IVF cycle is our last chance (at least for a while) and I don't have any good feelings about it working. I wish I was one of those people that was so positive and optimistic, even when things are shittier than shit. I wish I had faith that I would get my miracle soon, even if it doesn't feel like I will.
I read this blog post today about "Infertility Jealousy" and it is EXACTLY how I feel, down to the very words this woman used. I am jealous of people that are pregnant and have babies and sweet little toddlers...I have a green eyed monster inside of me and I can no longer control it! I want to control it...I know these other women have not taken my baby, I just want my baby to make an appearance too!

 Here is the link to the infertility jealousy blog, if you're interested.
Infertility Jealousy

So, I have been thinking that The Little Mermaid is the perfect theme for this cycle's IVF...even though Ariel's circumstances are clearly different, she is a positive thinker and doesn't give up hope that she can fulfill her dreams! The Ursula in my story is infertility and that bitch has GOT TO GO!

Not Thursday, but here's a little Throwback!

 

And I know there are a few of you out there that also need some cheering up and some positivity, so here's another Little Mermaid song to make you all smile!

Pumpkin Time!

Nothing much to report on the IVF front. I am on day 7 of Lupron and just waiting for my period to show up (probably by the end of this week) and then will be starting Follistim again. Sunday we have our zip lining booked, so I hope everything goes smoothly and I get to do that AND start Follistim on schedule!

This past weekend, our Fall activity was pumpkin picking. We went with a couple friends that have one of Parker's sisters (and also a super cute baby boy that lets me have baby cuddles!) and we came home with two large pumpkins (not sure if we are carving them though...still deciding). I had the perfect pumpkin picked out and I guess Parker approved and wanted it for himself, because while I was looking at the baby cow, he lifted his leg and peed on my pumpkin! Boys! I sent J off to find me a new pumpkin after that...and feel a little bad that someone else is going to end up with the Parker approved pumpkin! LOL

Though pumpkin picking is always a fun activity and Parker enjoys getting out in the fresh air with us, it was definitely rough seeing all of these couples with bouncing toddlers hanging off their hands and teeny, tiny infants in their baby Bjorn's.

"I'll take all the pumpkins!"

Skylar and Parker on the hayride

Please God, let us have a little pumpkin in a baby Bjorn next year!

Starting Over....

I had my initial blood work today to confirm that I have indeed ovulated, so the fun begins again. They gave me the choice of starting Lupron tonight, or just starting in the morning, so I chose to have ONE more night as a normal person and will start the Lupron shots when I am half asleep tomorrow morning instead!

I don't really know what else to say right now...I have been having way more anxiety about this cycle than the last one, so I am just trying to keep it together! On my way to the RE's office this morning, I started getting weepy in the car because it is way more emotional to start over, than it was to be doing it the first time.

 

Lupron is ready to go!

 

To keep my mind busy, I am trying to have us plan a Fall activity for each weekend...two weeks ago was the zip-lining, this past weekend we went to the Bronx Zoo, this coming weekend we are hoping to take Parker on our yearly hayride/pumpkin picking outing and maybe hit up a haunted house and the weekend after (I HOPE), we have booked a bigger/better zip-line adventure! I know I am cutting it close with the shots and whatnot, but even if I have started Follistim already, it won't have been more than a day or two and my ovaries won't be grapefruits yet! I refuse to put my life on hold anymore for this shit.

 

 

Party favors have arrived...wish it was a good party!

So my party box arrived on time today...I will be all set to start Lupron on Monday after my initial blood work and monitoring (if it shows that I have ovulated, which I should have by Monday). 

And so it begins...

Think I have enough needles?

I can't believe I am back at this point, though. I was excited the first time, but this time I am just nervous and stressed because I know the chances of it working are slim to none. When your doctor isn't even confident about success, that doesn't help the morale! This is also our last, insurance covered IVF, so the next time we are here, we will most likely be spending our savings, which is the last thing we want to be or can be doing. It is a really difficult place in my battle with infertility and I really need some light at the end of this tunnel.

Insurance sweeps in to add more stress!

Today, I decided to call my RE to check on the status of IVF #2 (since I am due to start on Monday and still need my meds) and when I am talking to the woman, she brings up the fact that apparently my insurance never paid them for the egg retrieval from IVF #1! I check the status of the claim online, thinking they were just being slow with the claim and I find the words "Not Covered: Claim Denied" on my profile. This had me fuming because I have letters FROM the insurance company saying my IVF had been approved for coverage, before I even started it the first time! When I called, they told me that it was denied because my doctor was supposed to obtain "pre-authorization" before I received treatment and that they "didn't know" I was doing this before they received a bill. When I asked them how they could have possibly sent me a letter approving coverage if they "didn't know about it", they put me on hold and came back with some other excuse for why it was denied...apparently a mismatched tax ID number. I asked how they fix this error so they can reprocess the claim and the woman has the nerve to tell me "IF they can fix the error, they will re-process my claim", and the IF is unacceptable to me, especially when she said they deal with it internally, leaving me to believe it was someone THERE that made the error in the first place! NOT HAPPY.

Still waiting for them to give pre-authorization for IVF #2 (and I will definitely be keeping that approval letter too!), but the pharmacy managed to get authorized for my drugs, so my "party box" should be here tomorrow! Better remove the clutter in my dining room so I can access my mini-fridge again!

In other news, my Little Mermaid DVD came today and I am super excited about it! One of my FAVORITE Disney movies and I pre-ordered it in May, so I have been waiting a while!

Yesterday, in anticipation of the release of the Little Mermaid from the Disney Vault, I went on YOUTUBE to listen to some of the songs....because I am a dork!

Anyway, I hope you enjoy the Little Mermaid song and that's all I have to say for now...just had to vent about my insurance driving me nuts!